Dear diary this morning when I woke up there was a package at the front door. When I picked it up it said TOP SECRET but I had to see what was inside. But when I turned around mum said WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING and I dropped the package on the ground. I heard a loud yelp NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What have you done, I I I um well you scared me so technically it’s your fault. After that I knew exactly what it was, a gift card and she even got TOP SECRET on it. I feel really bad so I said to my mum I don’t need a present I have you.
Aww Rocco. How lovely that your mum is more special to you than a present. We all love to receive a gift though don’t we and I too have had sneak peeks at prezzies.
Reading your first three sentences, could I suggest that you didn’t need to use the word ‘but’ twice. Simply begin the next sentence with ‘When I turned round mum said ….’ It still has the same impact.
Thanks for your interpretation of the prompt,
Jackie (Team 100WC)
New Zealand
I think you need some more punctuation, but good story keep it up
Hey Rocco,
I love the message that you are giving in your story about the importance of family over material things. As mentioned in Ryan’s comment, you can use some more punctuation, especially to separate the dialogue. Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot! Good job 🙂